Adopting a child with special needs or even a child who is older than an infant is a very different experience. When possible, learn from the experience of others who have adopted before you. Here is a short list of pointers from parent liasons from the MN Adoption Support and Preservation Program.
Celebrate Your Child While Having Realistic Expectations
Be Prepared
- Ask questions before placement and learn how your child's history may impact you and your family.
- Educate yourself on special needs, core adoption issues, attachment, impact of abuse and neglect, multiple placements, FASD.
- Recognize your own buttons and develop a plan for how you will react.
- Learn what your child's diagnoses mean - how will this play out in your family.
- Recognize it takes time to adjust to a placement - for everyone.
- Not all professionals have the experience and knowledge to understand the complexities of our families. Ask questions before they start working with your family.
- Be prepared to be strong advocate for your child - ask for help and don't . give up. Be kind but be persistent.
Parenting
Avoid power struggles - they create negative memories and get in the way of building a relationship.
Kids only know what their past has taught them - acknowledge their past, yet look toward the future.
Talk to your kids - tell them who you are, how you parent, what matters to you; learn what matters to your kids.
Don't take your child's behavior personally. Many times oppositional or negative behaviors are a survival strategy that they used in the past.
Attachment and the older child - educate yourself and be creative. Focus on building attachment not on punishing behavior.
Work on building a relationship with your child -find or create things in common.
Accept that your child may need medication to help them regulate their behavior.
Remember it takes a long time for kids to heal and that issues recycle from the past over and over.
Honor your child's culture - what does it mean to be a transracial family?
Stay positive and celebrate the small successes - at home, at school, in the community.
Parent each child as they need to be parented, as an individual.
Present a "united front" to your children, they need to believe that their parents cannot be split.
Have fun with your child and focus on building positive memories.
Remember thatfamilies are built on surviving the challenging times - when the dust settles and you are still intact, children come to believe that they are "home".
Taking Care of Yourself
- Allow yourself to grieve the loss of some expectations.
- Join a parent support group -friends and family may not always understand.
- Use support services - do not wait for a crisis. Have a plan - who are you going to call when you are feeling overwhelmed?
- Make time for you andyour partner. /f parenting single, make time for yourself to be with favorite people.
- Call your parent liaison - we are there for you.
- Stay connected with friends who are not connected with adoption; and with those who are interested in you as an individual.
- Your life will never be the same - take time for yourself-remember what brings you joy and keep that part of your life!