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Life Books

by Deb Fjeld

The Lifebook is an account of the child's life, conveyed through words, pictures, photographs, and documents. Sometimes it is difficult for adoptive children and parents alike to talk about the birth family. For many adoptive parents, the ideal conversation starter is a homemade memory album called a Life Book. A Life Book doesn’t need to be fancy or follow a specific format. It can be as unique as the child for whom it’s created! A Life Book should be made for each child. It is never too late or too early to make a Life Book.

A Life Book is a special record book for children who no longer live with their birth parents. It’s part scrapbook, part photo album, and part historical document that grows as the child does. Most importantly, a Life Book bridges the chasm between fantasy and truth. As they review tangible information about themselves, children can discuss confusing issues openly with their adoptive parents. Life Books help address questions like:

  • Will my birth parents come back for me? Children often fantasize about their family of origin. After a fight with their parents or a tough day at school, they may envision a birth parent rescuing them. When a child receives permission to discuss his birth parents, however, he can begin to visualize them as real people rather than mythic heroes. Adoptive parents can use Life Books to paint a kind but accurate picture of the birth mother and father.
  • Why did my birth parents give me up?
  • Will I be just like my birth parents? Even a young child can understand that her eyes are blue because mommy’s are. By extension, many adopted children believe that genetics will determine their future behavior. If Julie’s birth mother got pregnant as a teenager, Julie may suppose this is her fate as well. Children raised with a set of values different from their birth parents may also find it difficult to forgive the “sins” of the past. Through Life Books, parents can provide compassionate explanations about the birth parents’ decisions while empowering children to make wise choices in their own lives.

Kids should know that this special story is their own; they are not obligated to share details about their history if it makes them uncomfortable. Families may even wish to develop a script to use when confronted with unwanted questions. Every individual is entitled to his or her own history.

Telling a life story-what to include in a life book

Pre-adoptive Information

  • Facts about birth parents, grandparents, siblings and other special relatives and friends. "We have no information about you birth father" at least acknowledges that he exists and that it is acceptable to talk about him.
  • Health records
  • Pictures of the child taken prior to placement
  • The child’s birth name (if changed)
  • Location and date of birth (What was the place like? Include photos/brochures if you have them. What happened in the news the day the child was born?)
  • Basic facts about the history and language of a country if child was adopted internationally (What is life like for children in that country? Include photos of the landscape, the orphanage or favorite caregivers.)
  • If a Genogram has been completed as part of the assessment of the birth family, a copy should be included. * developmental milestones;
  • childhood diseases, immunizations, injuries, illnesses, or hospitalization; 
  •  the ways by which the child shows affection; 
  •  the things she does when happy or excited; 
  • the things that frightened him;
  • favorite friends, activities, and toys;
  • birthday and religious celebrations;
  • trips;
  • extended family members who are important to the child;
  • cute things the child does;
  • nicknames; 
  • family pets;
  • visits with birth relatives;
  • Birth family members are an obvious source for pictures, mementos, and a variety of other information. The message to the birth parents is that they have something to offer the child even though they will not be parenting him. Requests from the adoptive parents for pictures and information reassures the birth parents of their importance in the child's life. These requests can be made directly or through the agency involved.
  • names of teachers and schools attended;
  • report cards;
  • special activities, such as scouting, clubs, or camping experiences
  • church and Sunday School experiences;
  • pictures of each foster family, their home, and their pets.

Items from the Adoption/Placement Process 

  • If child’s name changed, how was the current name chosen? What does it mean?
  • First reactions of adoptive parents (to hearing about the child, first meeting him or her, or bringing the child home)
  • What adoptive parents did while waiting for the child; include journal entries written during that time Pictures and stories from the trip to pick up the child

Memories of Life in the New Home

  • Information about adoptive parents, grandparents, and siblings
  • Family traditions
  • Firsts (child’s first words, days of school, etc.) Parental reflections or journal entries that include feelings and observations about the child’s adjustment to the family

Update the book regularly to keep it “alive.” You may want to provide new pictures and list some of the child’s friends, favorite music, teachers, accomplishments, dreams and aspirations. You can also have the child draw a picture or submit a meaningful item.

A Lifebook can:

  • provide a chronology of the child's life;
  • enhance self-esteem and identity formation; 
  • help a child share his history with others;
  • assist in resolving separation issues; 
  • identify connections between past, present, and future; 
  • facilitate attachment; 
  • increase trust for adults; 
  • help the child recognize and resolve strong emotions related to past life events;
  • separate reality from fantasy or magical thinking; identify positives, as well as negatives, about the family of origin.

Each book should explain why and how the child entered the adoptive family or the foster care system and how subsequent decisions were made. Many times, adults gloss over the reasons for the child's placement. This avoidance can pose long-term problems. The very fact that adults hesitate to share information about the child's past implies that it is too awful for the youngster to cope with. But whatever occurred in his past, the child has already lived through it and survived. He has already demonstrated his survival skills. Facts can be presented in ways that help the child understand and accept his past while raising self-esteem, or that lower feelings of self-worth. With experience, adults can learn to reframe even negative life experiences as positive strivings that went astray. Always, information should be presented in words the child understands.

Most toddlers do some things that upset their parents at the time but that seem funny in retrospect and become the basis of family stories. Talking about such behaviors give the child a clear indication that he can and will change. Even though it is often true that there are no pictures of these incidents, they usually suggest strong visual images. For example, one child washed her hair in a mud puddle twice in one day, even as her mother tried to get her ready to go to a party. Such behaviors are unique to each child and usually lead to shared laughter when the youngster outgrows that conduct. This concrete evidence of the possibility of change should be included in the Lifebook.

There is no right or wrong way to make a Lifebook. Just as each child and her history is unique, so will each Lifebook be one of a kind. Some children like to start at the beginning, with their birth or even before, offering stories about how their birth parents met, for example. Others may do better by starting with the present, talking about current family, school, friends, likes and dislikes. Some even want to start out talking about future plans. There are advantages to each of these approaches.

Loose-leaf photo albums with plastic-protected pages may be used. Some adults use prepared books; others make up their own. Some include photocopied or printed pages to be filled in. The particular words used with a Lifebook are often very important. Although many children enjoy the idea of a scrapbook, to the child who may have poor self-esteem, the term "scrap" may have a negative connotation. Therefore, we prefer to avoid the term scrapbook. We also purposefully avoid the term "forever," which may sound overwhelming to the child. The terms "keeping" or "growing up with" explain equally well the permanency that we are seeking for children and are preferred.

When children resist being an active participant in working on their Lifebook, adults have to become more creative. Trips can be made and photographs taken of places important to the child's life: an old neighborhood, the hospital where the child was born, or the courthouse where decisions were made on his behalf are examples.

If the adult does not have complete information, as is so often the case, it is still possible to encourage and support emotional exploration. When a child's statement reveals assumptions, such as "it seems as though birth mom didn't love me as much as my sister," the adult might respond by saying, "That is possible. Some parents have difficulty loving all of their children. I don't have any information as to whether or not that was true in your case. Can you think of some other reasons it might not have worked out well for you and your parents to live together?" This response allows a hypothetical exploration of a variety of reasons that parents and children have problems living together and expands the young person's thinking.

Hopefully, the experience of working on a life book with your child will bring you closer together and offer the child a healthy way to process their life experiences.