Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome
You Get It from Your Kids
By Janice Jordan Skrobot
Within 24 hours of getting her, I was sure that I had made a terrible mistake. Two weeks earlier, when I saw her for the first time, my first thought had been, "Don’t do this, Dianne." But she was only 6 years old, and there had to be hope for a 6-year-old child.
Little did I know I was about to become educated about Attachment Disorder, and how living with it can turn an intelligent, reasonably articulate adult into a complete basket case in a matter of weeks.
Within the first hour of picking her up, she was pulling things out of the glove compartment and throwing them out the car window as we were driving down the freeway. My animals wouldn’t go near her after the first day. While tucking her into bed that night, she reached up as if to give me a hug. Then she pulled my hair as hard as she could and said, "Sorry, Mom. It was an accident." That was just the beginning of spending every waking minute looking for ways to hurt me or anyone else.
I was told that this was normal behavior that she would grow out of as she adjusted to the home. Even my own father, who was a real drill sergeant when I was growing up, told me I was being too strict with her. She was so charming with most other people, that many times I was accused of exaggerating the severity of her behavior.
This is how Diane Allred begins her article entitled "The Dream that Turned into a Nightmare," describing her experiences with her adopted child. Foster and adoptive families with love and compassion in their hearts take in children who have never bonded, believing they can make up for the love and caring the child has missed only to discover that the child is incapable of giving or accepting love and only feels extreme anger and rage inside, which translates into violent behavior. These families often are being physically and emotionally abused by the children they are trying to help.
The families of Attachment Disordered children struggle in a private war with their children—a war that others do not realize is occurring. This war leaves them feeling isolated, misunderstood, blamed, demoralized, and confused. Caught up in the child’s reenactment of previous trauma and negative relationships, they live a life similar to prisoners of war and show signs of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. Most wars are mutually antagonistic. In this war, your child uses hate and rage to push you away. Your caring love and concern must remain strong against all odds if you are to win the war!
Remember, your child believes that the world is unsafe, that you are unloving, that s/he is unlovable, that s/he must be in control at all costs if s/he is to survive. Your child believes that you are the enemy and that if you get too close, his/her pain will be unbearable.
Richard Delaney, Ph.D., in his book, Fostering Changes, lists the following as foster parent reaction to living with this chronic stress: feelings of impotence (loss of feeling of control); urge to reject the child; abusive impulses toward the child; emotional withdrawal and depression; feeling like a bad parent; loss of meaning of your existence; stress on significant relationships; development of victim identity; helplessness, hopelessness, and anger/rage.
No one lives with an Attachment Disordered child without being adversely affected! It is important to recognize that this is a normal reaction to chronic, extreme stress and that help is available. It is important that foster care providers dealing with such trauma find ways to put their experiences in perspective; to make sense of what is happening and move positively toward the future. Support and education concerning Attachment Disorder are available.