Learning to say “sorry”
by Ellen Notbohm
It seems like it should be such a simple thing, teaching your child or student to say “I’m sorry” when an apology is called for. But far beyond simply repeating a conditioned response, truly understanding the nature of an apology and being able to act upon that knowledge in a sincere and meaningful requires layer upon layer of social competence that many adults find difficult, let alone your child with autism. Parents will write to me saying, “my child steadfastly refuses to apologize.” When a child exhibits resistant behavior – of any kind – it’s our job as parents and teachers to try to pinpoint the source of the resistance. So let’s break down that so-called “simple” apology and how we can help our child with autism understand and apply this critical interpersonal skill.
Does he understand why an apology is needed? Learning to recite the words “I’m sorry” isn’t enough – it doesn’t help the child understand what he did and the consequences it had on another person. All children, not just children with autism, have elements of selfishness, defensiveness and impulsivity to their personalities. Empathy is learned thinking and learned behavior. We must consistently and persistently teach the words and actions of empathy and apology. It will come in increments learned over a long period of time.
Is he emotionally able to apologize? Don’t insist that an apology come instantaneously. There is huge gap between merely reciting words of apology and feeling true remorse. Remember that in the heat of anger, a child (or any other person) may say “sorry” but real feelings of regret may not come until later. When anger is high, the child may need a cooling off period before he can apologize sincerely. (This happens to you too, doesn’t it?) This requires striking a balance – you want the incident handled in a timely and relatively immediate way, but an insincere apology is not an adequate apology. The cooling-off period will vary from child to child and from incident to incident. It may be two minutes this time, twenty minutes next time. But attempting to teach anything when the child is still emotionally overwrought is wasted effort.
Teach the steps to an effective apology. Start by explaining to your child in concrete language what he did that requires an apology. Do not assume that he knows! Use an informative, not punitive, tone of voice. Taking a problem-solving rather than castigating approach preserves your child’s fragile dignity and makes it much more likely that he will learn.
Ask the person who was wronged tell your child how it felt. “Calling me a butthead hurts my feelings.” Have your child repeat it back.
Have your child issue a very specific apology: “I’m sorry I broke your crayon/called you a butthead/ruined your computer game/ate your brownie.” Then give him a choice of ways in which he can apologize. He might choose spoken words, either face to face or over the phone. If he’s more comfortable writing a note of apology, it can be handwritten, typed or emailed. For the younger child, consider a pre-printed note with increasing complexity as he gets older. At first, he may just fill in the name of the person to whom he is apologizing and then sign his name. Later, he can fill in “I’m sorry for ___________.” Eventually he works up to a fully original note. Drawings can also be an acceptable form of apology.
Making restitution where possible and reasonable is an important part of the process. “You can have my green crayon” or “I’ll get you a Band-aid.” Then ask the wronged party to provide closure: “That’s OK,” or “Thank you for apologizing” or “I forgive you.”
Children with autism can be so black-and-white in their thinking that one mistake can seem like a reason to end a friendship or avoid the wronged party. Coach both children in understanding that everyone makes mistakes; a sincere apology and restitution puts an end to the incident and we move on. “Mistake” can just another word for “practice.” Let your child know you have faith in him and his efforts to ale things right.
Label the behavior, not the child. Say “Name-calling hurts people’s feelings” rather than “You’re mean.”
Don’t give him reason to learn to lie about his behavior. Children frequently lie in order to avoid uncomfortable consequences, such as penalty, punishment or having to admit wrongdoing and therefore apologize. For many children with autism, telling a lie is, like empathy, a learned behavior. White lies notwithstanding, your child’s innate truthfulness is something you want to celebrate and encourage, not squash. Concrete-thinking children with autism will call a situation exactly as they see it, unless over time, we give them, through our own behavior, examples of how to use dishonesty to avoid consequences and/or consequences that are emotionally unbearable (humiliation, feelings of chronic failure, physical punishment).
Help your child learn to own his behavior by first modeling honesty about your own behavior. Become aware of how often we not only employ small dishonesties in our daily lives, but make our children complicit. “Don’t tell Dad I bought another pair of shoes,” or “Tell (the unwanted caller) I’m not home.” Better to say: “I’ll skip lattes and lunches out this week so I can buy the shoes” or “Tell (the unwanted caller) that I cannot come to phone right now.”
Let your child know that the lie they tell is worse than whatever the behavior they are lying about. Then stand by that thought. This does not mean that there are no consequences for behavior. First, tell him you are proud of him for telling the truth even though it was difficult. Then decide whether you can ameliorate the consequences, or perhaps give a free pass (amnesty) for a first offense. Children with autism think in absolutes, and this is one area where it’s appropriate. Let him know that in his relationship with you, you expect truthfulness at all times, not just when it’s convenient or easy.
Note that the operative phrase here is, “in his relationship with you.” Teaching the nuanced landscape of so-called white lies is trickier business. But it’s still all part of the empathy package. In his relationships with others, lies can be acceptable when sparing someone’s feelings. “This dinner tastes just awful” may be truthful in his eyes, but it will surely hurt his host’s feelings – thereby requiring an apology. Teach him that there can be truth in silence. Thumper’s mother (Bambi) is right: if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.
© 2008 Ellen Notbohm
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