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How to Guide Your Children Through Your Divorce

　

1. Telling Your Children:

  • As soon as the decision to divorce is made, tell your children.
  • Both parents should be present.
  • The basic message: "Mommy and Daddy used to love each other and were happy, but now we're not happy and have decided we'd be happier apart. What happened occurred between us, but we will always be your parents and we will always be there to love and take care of you."
  • Emphasize that your child is not to blame for the divorce.
  • Reassure your child that you love him or her.
  • Give your children enough information to prepare them for the upcoming changes in their lives but not-enough information that they become frightened.
  • Questions children might ask:
    • Who will I live with?
    • Will I move?
    • Where will Mommy live or where will Daddy live?
    • Will I go to a new school?
    • Will I get to see my friends?
    • Can I still go to camp this summer ?
  • Be honest in answering your child's questions.

2. Reducing Children's stress

  • Invite conversation.
  • Help them put their feelings into words.
  • Legitimize their feelings .
  • Offer support.

3. Fighting in Front of Your Child

Although the occasional argument between parents is reasonable and even expected in a healthy family, living in a battleground of continual hostility and unresolved conflict can place a heavy psychological burden on your child. Traumatic events like screaming, fighting, arguing, or violence can make children fearful and apprehensive. Unable todeal with these fears, your child may become emotionally upset, controlling, or withdrawn.

Witnessing your hostility also presents an inappropriate behavioral model for your child, who's still learning how to deal with his or her own impulses. Children's long-term adjustment to divorce is highly related to ongoing hostility between parents. Kids whose parents maintain anger and hostility are much more likely to have continued emotional and behavioral difficulties.

Talking with a mediator or divorce counselor can help divorcing couples air their grievances and hurt to each other in a way that doesn't cause harm to the children. Though it may be difficult, working together in this way will spare your child the harm caused by continued bitterness and anger.

　 　

4. Adjusting to a New Living Situation

Because divorce can be such a big change in your child's life, adjustments in living arrangements should be handled gradually.

There are several types ofliving situations to consider:

  • One parent (either you or your spouse) may have custody
  • you may have joint custody (in which both you and your spouse share in the legal decisions
  • about your child, but your child lives primarily with one of you and visits the other)
  • shared joint custody (in which decisions are shared and so is physical custody)

It is becoming increasingly common for parents who live close by to share custody of their child. There's no simple solution to this. Although some children can thrive spending half their time with each parent, others seem to need the stability of having one "home" and visiting with the other parent. Whatever arrangement you choose, your child's needs should always come first. Avoid getting involved in a tug of war as a way to win over your former spouse. When deciding how to handle holidays, birthdays, and vacations, stay focused on what's best for your child.

5. After the Divorce

It is important to maintain as much normalcy as possible after a divorce by keeping regular routines, including meal routines, rules of behavior, and methods of discipline. Relaxing limits, especially during a time of change, tends to make children insecure. Resist the urge to drop routines and spoil a child who's grieving over a divorce. The only way a child should be spoiled is with unconditional love.

Parents should also work hard to keep their parental roles in place. Your child, no matter how much he or she tries to understand, is still a child. If you confide in your child, he or she may have difficulty relating to the other parent. This means not blaming the other parent or putting your child in the middle of an adult situation that he or she doesn't have the maturity to handle.

Consistency in routine and discipline across the households is important. Similar expectations regarding bedtimes, rules, and homework will reduce anxiety and give your child the message that you and your exspouse are working together and can't be manipulated.

Don't be ashamed to ask for professional help. Divorce is a major life crisis for a family. But if you and your former spouse can work together, you can continue to be good parents to your child.

Here are some other recommendations to keep in mind.

  • Get help dealing with your own painful feelings about the divorce. If you're able to make a healthy adjustment, your child will be more likely to do so, too. Also, getting needed emotional support and being able to air your feelings and thoughts with an adult will lessen the possibility of your child shouldering the unfair burden of your emotional concerns. This may include trusted friends or family members or a therapist.
  • Be patient with yourself and with your child. Emotional concerns, loss, and hurt following divorce take time to heal and often happen in phases. That's healthy.
  • Resist the temptation to make up for the child's loss with material things, food treats, or special privileges. Emotional hurt is best healed with care and support from loved ones, not things.
  • Recognize the signals of stress for your child's age. Consult your child's doctor or a child therapist for guidance on how to handle specific problems you're concerned about.
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  • The children will need reassurance. Parents need to take time to help their children work through the following ideas and concerns.
  • It's not the children's fault that their parents are getting a divorce. They could not have prevented it. There is nothing they can do to change the situation.
  • The parents still love their children and will be involved in their lives.
  • The children's lives will change after a divorce. Discuss what those changes will be.
  • Divorce does not mean children have to choose between parents. Living arrangements should be discussed, so the children know they will spend time with both parents.
  • Children don't have to take sides when parents disagree. The contlict is between the parents.
  • The children may be upset, sad or depressed sometimes, but they need to know that their parents will be there to listen and help them deal with their feelings.
  • The children may be embarrassed by the divorce. They need to understand that it's okay to tell their friends about the divorce. It's not a secret, and they are not bad for talking about it.
  • The rules may be different when with each parent, but the children should understand what the basic rules are for each home.
　

reprinted with permission from Prevent Child Abuse Minnesota
http://kidshealth.org!parentlemotions/feelings/helpchilddivorce.html http://www.montana.edu/Vvwwpblhome/divorce.html