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When I'm 18 I Can Do Anything I Want

Transitioning teens with FASDs to adulthood

By Jodee Kulp and friends

Loving guidance and repeating step by tiny step provides freedom of co-piloted interdependence, but one must remember each step in a new situation or combination will still take practice and support until mastery occurs.

Sir Makone of Knarlwoods joined our home last fall as a fifty pound empty -brained standard poodle. He was already the size of Bonnie who was two-years-old. We nicknamed him Mak and he cajoled through life with the same abandonment and mindlessness as our daughter had used during her early transition years. He came to teach me another worthy lesson.

Bonnie arrived as a little pup earlier to keep me mentally healthy and focused when our daughter with FASDs turned eighteen and announced "Now I can do anything I want, I'm 18.' Our daughter, Liz, was full of the wonder of the world as she ventured into adulthood carrying the burden of brain injury and a 'can do it my way' attitude. My husband and I watched as she transversed chasms and fell into trauma and drama. As her mother I still believed it was my job to hang on to her, run, save her and keep her from harms way.

Our daughter believed otherwise and the more we pressured sanity in her living style the further she moved away from our support and care. Liz believed in her heart she could conquer a world filled with coldness, stress, miscommunication and human predators. Her need for self-experience without solid understanding of the limits her brain injury placed on her took her on a journey none of us could have imagined. I finally had to let go and hang on the puppy that became my sanctuary. That's puppy, Bonnie spent her puppy hood licking salty water off my cheeks as I hugged her tear soaked fur. She cheered me on and became my teacher in patience and calm thought as Liz toddled through life refusing the controls, structure and safety we had provided. Now two years Mak joined us to teach us another lesson.

Our family had all survived the last two years and learned much. Liz could now ride the metro from one end of the city to the other without bringing "new friends" who needed a place to stay home - her residence was finally her sanctuary. She had learned at almost 21 that 18 was not "a magic age". We had learned that what people say and what she hears can have a huge impact in behaviors and outcomes.

Mak, our new big bumbling pup came to teach Karl and I that safe healthy learning for Liz was going to be a series of steps - very tiny and very different steps. When he arrived in our home he had never seen a step and at every turn he faced more of these strange obstacles. There were steps to the kennel, steps to the car, steps to the studio, steps to the bedroom, steps to the garden and the steps to the basement. Not only were there steps everywhere the poor puppy turned, but they were "all" different - some were carpeted, some were yellow wood, some were brown wood, some were concrete, and were painted white.

They were all steps . . .

. . . simple steps.

Mak came to teach Karl and me a very important lesson for Liz who has finally settled into her 'own' home of safety and sanctuary. Mak came to teach us that even though he looks full grown he is a baby and needs a lot of love and guidance to grow. Mak came to teach Karl and me that each step is a new learning experience and each step is different. He came to remind us that his heart yearned to do each step but sometimes his mind didn't know how. He came to show us that some steps he could go up and some steps he could go down, but some steps he wasn't ready to touch at all. And some of the ups he still had to be carried down until he became a 'big dog. We expected accidents and piddles as he plodded curiously and innocently through his new life. And as we watched and taught him slowly and carefully he grew and learned - tiny step - one tiny step at a time. Mak often backed up and spread his gangly feet in all directions to protect himself from a new step, even a step he had climbed the day before. Liz in her own way does the same - she loves and hates learning. Because of Mak we looked a Liz differently and we realized how much she had also grown in her two-year life college of hard knocks and Karl and I looked at each other realizing how much we had grown too.

Mak came to remind us that just as we had taught Liz in our home, we needed to move on to teaching her out-of-our home with the same love, compassion and expectations - step by tiny step finally gradually handing her our controls and respecting that they can become her controls.

We have learned to keep Liz tethered to us with a line of love - it is a quiet gold thread that holds family and loved ones together. I have learned to step back as she steps forward. I have learned to value her opinion and ideas. I have learned to stand next to her in silent advocacy until I am asked.

It had been a long journey and the journey will continue. Mak came to remind us of the management of that journey - kindness, compassion, clear simple direction - and taking only one step at a time.

SIDE BAR

SEVEN STEPS TO PROCESS AND LEARN A NEW SKILL

  1. REVIEW -- We review the options of how to teach so we have a backup plan. We make the initial calls, visit the site and discover the details.
  2. WATCH - We tell Liz what she is going to learn and take her through the process to accomplish the task. In this first step she is the observant participant with us - we do not require learning.
  3. WATCH-EXPERIENCE -- We repeat the experience with her contributing pieces of the learned task.
  4. EXPERIENCE - WATCH -- We repeat the experience with her contributing more pieces of the learned task and we begin to step away.
  5. EXPERIENCE - SHOW - She tells us what to do and we laugh and become "her" partner in "her" learning.
  6. SHOW - LET GO - She shows us as we watch and then let go.
  7. I CAN - She skillfully and a bit fearfully completes the process, while We sit in a parking lot waiting or stay close to the phone to guide. "I Can", can take a while and when learning is mastered we move on to the Next Step in our adult journey.