I am a Toddler

If it is on, I must turn it off

If it is off, I must turn it on

If it is folded, I must unfold it

If it is liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled

If it is a solid, it must be crumpled, chewed and smeared

If it is high, it must be reached

If it is shelved, it must be unshelved

If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed

If it has leaves, they must be picked

If it is plugged, it must be unplugged

If it is not trashed, it must be thrown away

If it is in the trash, it must be removed,

inspected and thrown on the floor

If it is closed, it must be opened

If it does not open, it must be screamed at

If it has drawers, they must be rifled

If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor or table

If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied

If it is empty, it will be more interesting full

If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon

If it is a stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest.

It must be pushed by me instead

If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon

If Mommy’s hands are full, I must be carried

If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone

If it is paper, it must be torn

If it has buttons, they must be pressed

If the volume is low, it must go high

If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor

If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon

If it is not a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth

If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force

If it is a phone, I must talk on it

If it is a bug, I must swallow it

If it doesn’t stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor

If it is not food, it must be tasted

If it IS food, it must NOT be tasted

If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back

If it is Mommy, it must be hugged