Clothing issues
By Deb Fjeld
Does your child refuse to wear the clothes you want them to wear?
This is a problem that can drive a parent crazy, if we let it. It can be difficult to understand why a child is refusing to wear perfectly good clothes (or maybe no clothes at all!)
As parents, we need to open our toolbox to the “Function” section and try to understand what function that annoying behavior serves for the child.
General Defiance
Is your child refusing to wear the clothes you want them to wear JUST BECAUSE?
Children need an opportunity to individuate. When your daughter comes downstairs wearing a red polka dotted shirt, yellow skirt and striped tights, what do you do? Ask yourself this main question. Does it really matter?
My worries have always been: She is developmentally delayed, and she doesn’t have many friends. When she dresses like this, she will be ostracized by the other kids. Other kids will make fun of her. People will think I’m not a good parent if I let her out the door looking like that. Those are the two biggies.
OK, so there is a big junk of parent shame you might have to eat when you let your sweetie out the door looking like that. But does it really matter? If you need “proof of concerned parenting”, send a note in her backpack stating, “Dear Mrs. _______, I let Betsy dress herself today. She really likes polka dots and stripes. I’m respecting her choice.”
When I was a kid, we had Garanimals. It was a line of clothing that had different animal tags that I (as a kid) was able to match the zebra shirts to the zebra pants, and as long as you matched the animals correctly, your clothing matched! What a great system. Parents can try to buy colors that will match to coordinate more easily, but if you have a daughter like mine, she will still find an atrocious combination that will challenge your sensibilities.
It’s not easy, especially when your child chooses awful combinations on a daily basis, and you really do get notes from “concerned” teachers about her wardrobe. But, fighting with your child over whether or not her clothing matched is really a small reason to create a rift with your child. Choose your clothing battles wisely, and infrequently.
Some children want more power over their personal choices.
If you offer your daughter two choices of clothes, does she choose a third that is not offered?
Let your child choose and set out their clothing for each day. Maybe choose several outfits for the week. Younger children may enjoy using a special hanger called a “Flat Britty”. Click here for directions to make your own. They can dress a flat version of themselves each day and may take more time to decide on that “perfect” outfit.
If you suspect that your child just wants to wear what SHE wants to wear, and the clothing is just different, not inappropriate, maybe it would be best to give her that control.
Sensory Issues
Does your child have some sensory issues? Many children are agitated by seams in clothing and turn a sweatshirt inside out to avoid touching the seams. Many kids cannot stand the feeling of tags and will cut them out, reverse their clothing, or refuse to wear the offending article. Some socks have bumps, ridges, or seams that are distressing. Jeans may be too heavy, polyester may “feel” funny, and every child is different!
Allowing a child to choose fabrics he likes can improve your chances of getting him to wear different clothing.
Some children resist the feeling of a seat belt. Covering the belt with a pleasing fabric can be soothing to a child with sensory dysregulation and reduce the resistance to wearing a seat belt.
Does your child wear tank tops in the winter and a parka in the summer?
Sometimes, it is just easier to modify the environment instead of getting into a power struggle with the child. Without discussing the issue, wait until your child goes to school and switch out the seasonal clothes. Then, a few days later, when your daughter is searching for her pink shorts (in November), play ignorant. Suggest one or two other more appropriate choices of clothing and move on with your morning.
Another option is to teach the child to dress in layers so that clothing can be added or taken off as the weather dictates.
Poor self cares
Parents of middle schoolers especially struggle with teaching appropriate self cares to their children. Is the child being lazy and just picking up the same shirt he wore the day before because it is too much trouble to get a new one from the dresser? If you suspect this is true, establish clear routines for the laundry. If you think Jr. hasn’t changed his underwear for a week, you can establish a clear rule on where clothes are to be delivered every evening. A laundry chute is a blessing, but for those who do not have one, we need to make sure the clothes are getting to the laundry regularly. Removal of the soiled clothing is important, so the child has to find another replacement.
One smart mom slipped a one dollar bill between several pairs of underwear. When he found the dollar, he was thrilled! Mom stressed the importance of changing underwear daily, and that she would, as a surprise, sneak him some “incentive” money when he was changing daily. The son was highly motivated, and it became easier to establish his routine.
Has your child grown? Maybe your son has grown a few inches since you last took a close look at him. Is it possible that his blue sweats are the only comfortably fitting pair he has?
Does your child have a background of abuse and neglect? Is the child attempting to make herself as unattractive as possible? Children who have been sexualized may allow themselves to be unkempt in the attempt to psychologically ward off potential sexual predators. Dressing “ugly” can be a part of this. A therapist with experience in working with children who have experienced abuse and neglect can help the child work through these difficult challenges.
Small Motor skills
Does your child have difficulty with small motor tasks? If a child is having trouble zipping and buttoning, there is a good chance he may not bother trying. For children who have missing digits or appendages, a simple task like tying shoes becomes a huge task. Parents may want to consider using elastic waisted pants to avoid problems with buttons and zippers. There are many styles of pullover tops for children and adults. Buttons can be replaced with snaps, and do not look unusual.
What about bathroom accidents? Does your little sweetheart wait just a little too long to go to the bathroom, which causes accidents? You may want to dress her in “easy up/easy down” clothing until the child is better regulated.
Velcro closures are now very common on shoes, and the child will not feel “different” wearing athletic shoes with Velcro vs. athletic shoes with regular strings on them.
Factors of Mental Illness
Children who have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) may have repetitive compulsions or rituals that the child needs to follow. Clothing may be included in the child’s ritual. A child who is highly perfectionistic may spend 20 minutes tying his shoes, until they are “just right”. If your child has this or a similar difficulty, no amount of yelling and threatening will make the child go faster. In fact, your pressuring will increase the child’s anxiety. Instead, build in more time for your child to get ready in the morning.
For children with OCD symptoms, consult with your therapist and ideally, a pediatric psychiatrist for appropriate evaluations and therapies.
What if your child is stuck on wearing the same pair of pants and green shirt every day?
Maybe he just loves green. Maybe it is a t-shirt with his favorite character on it. This is OK! Go ahead and buy 4 outfits that are exactly the same, and rotate them out. If school or other persons notice that he is wearing the same clothing, shrug, smile, and tell them you have multiples! As long as the child is wearing clean clothing, this should not become a huge issue. One day, he will tire of the green t-shirt, and you will have to go buy 4 new red t-shirts. Also, if you let him wear his same outfit every day, it may give you more negotiating power on the day he has to wear a suit to your 2nd cousin’s wedding.
No socks/No shoes/No service
In elementary school, school staffers seem extraordinarily interested in making sure that children wear socks. Some children do not like to wear socks with their shoes. For some, it is a sensory issue. Socks can feel too heavy or too light. The seams may feel like they are cutting into the child’s foot. A child who struggles with temperature dysregulation may not wear socks because he feels too hot. For some children, not wearing socks may be a cultural factor.
Maybe the child’s family doesn’t like to wear socks. Sandals can be worn in temperate weather. (In my family, we wear sandals until the snow flies.)
If the issue with not wearing socks is because of stinky feet, then use odor eaters or similar products for odors. Try using powders or cornstarch to help the child not be so offending.
Once a child reaches high school, school administration generally loses interest in sock policing and parents stop getting notes home about Jr’s socklessness. Until then, it may be helpful to send an extra package of socks to school with your child, so that he can put on a pair when busted by the sock police. We also carried extra socks in the car, because it seemed like every time we wanted to stop in at McDonald’s Playland, none of the kids were wearing socks! (McDonald’s also sells socks for about $1, so my kids must not be the only kids who are sockless!)
Sometimes children may just not put shoes on. Especially when we yell at them to “Get in the car right now, or I will leave you home!” As parents, we have to take some responsibility on that one. If you have a child, that upon reaching the church on Sunday mornings is always shoeless, you may want to just carry a spare pair in the trunk. I have four children, all close in age. Having a bag of unisex clothes, extra socks and a pair of sandals, has been a lifesaver more than once in our travels.
Body Image
Is the child self conscious about their body? How do they feel about how they look? Years ago, as a pre-teen, I struggled with my weight. I read somewhere that wearing horizontal stripes will make a person seem wider than they actually are. I can easily tell you that I have never, ever, worn a shirt with horizontal stripes.
Maybe your child shares similar attitudes and thoughts. Do they think they are too short, and wear high heels all the time to compensate for their height? Maybe someone told her she looked sickly in red, and that is why she won’t wear that expensive red jacket you bought her.
Consider whether or not the child’s perception of herself is playing into the power struggle over clothing, and adjust your own attitude accordingly.
One note: Young women (and men) who have been cutting will wear long sleeved shirts all year round to cover the cutting and scars. Wearing out-of-season clothing is just one of the flags for self-injurious behavior. There is more information on self injury at www.selfharm.net.
Seductive/Offensive Clothing
Let’s say you have a new foster placement and the young woman likes to dress seductively. What do you do?
First, does she have any other clothes? Maybe everything she owns is seductive. This might be a perfect opportunity to go shopping and buy her some more clothes. Choose a shop that is trendy, but somewhat conservative. Allow her to choose her clothing within your comfort zone. Undergarments can be a grey zone. Maybe allow her more “racy” underwear.
Explain the “house” rules of your family. What are the expectations for dress in your household?
If the young woman wants to dress “Goth”, tell them what you are comfortable with her wearing. For instance, black nail polish is ok, but drawing tears down her cheeks may out of your comfort zone.
Some children dress in a sexualized manner due to their past history of neglect and abuse. Young women do not always understand that dressing in a sexualized manner can put them in a vulnerable position. She may not understand that dressing seductively may be offensive to others, and dressing modestly can be a form of respect to others. If the young woman has been sexualized in her past, she may only identify herself as a sexual object. These are tough issues that require expert help.
Therapists and other mental health practitioners can be very helpful and should be involved as much as the foster family and youth will allow.
Some young men also like to “push the envelope” by wearing t-shirts spouting offensive language. Re-iterate the house rules and explain how a t-shirt like this demonstrates a lack of respect and can be offensive to others.
With younger children, you may be able to just remove the offensive clothing. With teens, you need to be more creative. If you really hate a certain shirt, maybe it would be worth it to you to pay for it to be gone.
These are just a few of the reasons “WHY” behind refusals to wear clothing. Take time to dig in and discover the reason for the child’s defiance, and move toward a more positive solution.