Spin It, Shake It, Rattle and Roll It!

Using surprise as a behavior intervention

by Deb Fjeld

As parents, we sometimes get predictable. We respond to the same everyday trials with generally the same response. In our house, it is that good old standard, "Junior, I expect you to ___________ by 3:00. If you don't __________, you will lose your electronics privileges." As well as this works, sometimes we need to add a little spice to our parenting. I'm get tired of the same old threats. Let's say you have a defiant child and part of his daily routine is that he should do a few chores before he gets to sink himself into his video chair and disappear into the world of Sonic the Hedgehog until supper time.

It is always a bit of a dance with your son.

He resists,
you pressure,

he resists,
you threaten loss of Sonic World,

and he usually relents and takes out the trash (30 seconds of chores). Then he runs downstairs to the game console and you get peace.

But today is different.

Your son, for some unrecognizable and undefinable reason, is having what we parents term an "off day" and you can tell the minute he gets up. It is a stressful morning getting him out the door. (Feel free to insert your personal power struggles here.) You hope for the best and head to the coffee shop for a sugary mocha.

You are a good parent.

You provide structure and predictability for your child. The rules are clear and the boundaries are strong. He gets home from school and you ask him to complete his two chores for the day. Then, your son blows up. He begins screaming and yelling, and maybe even throws in a cuss word or two. Sometimes more!

You have a few choices.

You can maintain your boundary, and work through his anger, which is good. It is even important, so that your son understands that a big fit isn't going to get him out of his chores every day.

You can escalate along with him, which will take you places that both of you regret.

Or, you can take a deep breath and pause to think.

He had a tough morning.
He maybe had a tough day.
I'm going to mix it up a bit.

And you say this in a matching tone and an angry frown to your son:

Pause for a moment, and then flash him a genuine smile.

At first, he will react to your tone and your frown. After all, most of communication is non-verbal. Then, depending on how long it takes him to process, he will get this funny little stunned look on his face. And then he will smile too. Sure, he's happy, and tromps down to his favorite video spot, leaving you with the dishes or the vacuuming or whatever evil chore you had planned for him. But the cool thing is, after supper, when he is more relaxed and realized Mom or Dad gave him this "gift", he will more than likely finish up that chore you wanted done.

Keep surprise in your toolbox of parenting - It works.

The trick is finding the surprises in your life. Structure and consistency is important. It is the bedrock of working with kids that are atypical. But that doesn't mean that doing something fun and unusual isn't important too. Especially when the dynamics in your family are stressful due to atypical behaviors. Parents need to have a little fun too.