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Rages/Violent Outbursts:

Age 0-5

If you have a child who rages frequently, hold on for dear life. We can’t possibly begin to cover all that you need in a short internet article. So I’m going to suggest some supports right away. When your child is under the age of five, and the rages are beginning, most parents question themselves. Especially if this is their first child. I remember worrying that maybe all I needed was a parenting class or two, and I would “get a handle” on the behaviors of my child.

I signed up for an ECFE class, you know, early childhood family education. There are great classes on handling tantrums and bedtime problems for typical kids. I learned within the first few classes that my son was a little different. I learned this through the shocked, open gaping mouths of the other parents when I was describing the behaviors my son was exhibiting. You could have driven a truck into those mouths. I found myself monopolizing the conversations. The other moms stopped talking and glanced at each other furtively, as if looking for support. As if asking with their eyes, “Is this lady crazy? Do your kids do this?” The other parents stopped asking questions as no one had answers for my scenarios. I was a group killer. Who wanted to complain about Jr. taking toys away from his sister when I talked about my son trying to hit me with a baseball bat and smashing toys into bits? The facilitator, after two short classes, pulled me aside and asked me not to come back. Not out of cruelty, but because we needed more help than this class could provide and I was very effectively killing the group. We left in shame. I think my son’s extreme hyperactivity may have played into that too!

A pediatric psychiatrist will not even take a referral of a child until they are about 5 years old, unless you have an established relationship with the psychiatrist and you are a professional parent like a foster parent or skills worker.

So, the hard part is, you are on your own professionally. Here are some things to try with raging:

  • Stay calm. This is not personal. This is probably a neurological problem, not a parenting problem. Raising your voice can even prolong or worsen the rage.
  • Modify the environment for safety of the child, yourself, and things you value. It’s important to remember that stuff can be replaced. Walls can be repaired. Your relationship with your child is more important than anything in your house. Pets can also be vulnerable to a child in a rage.
  • If your child allows you to touch him, offer deep compressions (See the Sensory section of this site) to help calm him.
  • If you need to, restrain the child. DO NOT make this your first reaction. As the child gets bigger and taller, you will get hurt when restraining. If your only strategy during a rage is to restrain, you will be out of your league as the child ages. And it doesn’t teach the child how to self-calm.
  • De-escalate as best you can (See article here for verbal techniques.)

While not in the middle of a rage:

  • Is the child hungry or overtired? Make sure that the child is not suffering from low blood sugar and/or fatigue.
  • Join a support group of parents who understand what you are going through.
  • Journal your child’s behaviors. There are behavior charts than can be used for this. (See download section of this website) or develop your own. Does he rage at a certain time of day? In a particular environment? When interacting with a certain person? What are the commonalities that you see? Chart your child for a month, and time the rages. What happens when the rage is over? Is the child sorry, exhausted, still angry or something else? By journaling, you may be able to key into what is triggering the child to rage. The child is lacking the skills to communicate in an appropriate manner, and it is our job as parents to figure this out. Journaling can also help provide documentation for the medical doctor if you are thinking about using medication. Journaling can be done for any age child. Also, if the child rages more with certain people, really try to understand the dynamics going on there. Are your expectations too high for this child?
  • If it works for your child, teach him to punch a pillow or a “special” pad to get his anger out. This is for children who have enough self control to get to the pillow, and not throw it at you!
  • Give yourself and your partner respite! Arrange informal respite for the child with Grandma or Auntie, or use more formal respite arrangements. If the child is adopted, many states have formal respite programs available.

Ages 6-12

The best way to deal with a rage is to prevent a rage. Once a child is in a rage state, just hop on your surfboard because you can only ride the wave until it’s over.

Look at the chart above. A rage runs as a general bell curve. There are triggers that happen to bring the child to a full rage point (top) and if we can, we need to de-escalate the child before the rage occurs. The additional difficulty is that our special needs child already has a lower level of tolerance and it is a much shorter process to get our special kid to a rage point than a typical child. I hear parents describe their child as going from 1 to 10 in a matter of seconds. I believe this. I also believe the child’s normal every day level of anxiety and frustration is probably sitting at an 8. This helps explain how the child can rage so quickly.

Medication that can help a child drop down to a lower anxiety level can help cut down on the rages.

Medication was also instrumental in my son’s stability. The newer atypical antipsychotics like Risperdal and Seroquel work well for mood stabilization, but are not without side effects. They are also not so new that you feel like you are experimenting on your child. It is difficult enough to ride the medication wave (for it has its ups and downs) without worrying about unknown side effects of a new medication. For our son, medication was necessary and it enables my son to live in our home and not require as many community supports.

I love the book “The Explosive Child” by Ross Greene. The Collaborative Problem Solving approach saved our family from destruction. It gave us a better understanding of our son and how to work with him.

A tri-modal approach which includes therapy, medication and environmental modification has been live changing for my son. I really do think all three are necessary for successfully dealing with an explosive child, especially if the child has a background that includes trauma and /or biological mental illness.

Ages 13- adult

Whenever possible, get the child to a safe place, to limit injury to himself and property.

If the child refuses to go, then clear the room. Develop code words or special signs for all other family members to clear the room. A raging child does not need an audience. Other family members need to be safe. If siblings refuse to clear the room, they should receive a consequence after the rage is over. Clearing the room is important for a few reasons. If the raging child enjoys and audience, removing the gawkers may help him regain his self control. Fewer people in the room with help diminish triggers for the child. And lastly, it is important to try to maintain the self respect of the child who has lost control. The added shame of having stories told of your behavior spread through extended family or school is unfair and can cause even more problems.

You may wish to call in a friend or neighbor for support and documentation.

SAFE ROOM: Some families develop a “safe room” for the child.

Do you call the Police? That is a decision only you can make. If you feel that your life is in danger, then you need to call for help. If this is a child with mental illness, I personally feel that calling a mental health unit or ambulance would be more appropriate than calling the police. I have talked with many parents, and more often than not, the police officer pulls the parent aside and tells them to “get control of your child”. Needless to say, there is a need for training about children’s mental illness for our peace officers. Calling the police and having your child arrested will create a juvenile record for the child. If you have a child that has FASD or other developmental disability, this may not be the best response.

Coping with Aggressive Behavior

Preventive measures

  • attempt tasks which cause outbursts at the time of day when the person is at his best;
  • try not to rush the person - reduce stress by minimizing distractions such as loud noise or lots of activity;
  • be aware of the person’s limitations and don’t expect too much;
  • encourage independence by allowing the person to do as much for himself as possible even if it takes longer and is not as efficient;
  • avoid confrontation wherever possible - try distraction or suggesting alternatives;
  • praise things which are done well and try not to criticism;
  • think about how to offer help tactfully without taking over;
  • a simple suggestion such as having a cup of tea may defuse the situation - or you may need to withdraw until things have calmed down;
  • it may be helpful to explain the situation to other people;
  • be aware of warning signs such as anxiety or agitation (flushing or restlessness, or refusal to comply with requests);
  • exercise may be a helpful preventive measure;
  • if you suspect the person is ill or in pain, particularly if the aggression is uncharacteristic, it would be wise to consult your GP. The outburst may have been caused by an infection or discomfort which can be remedied;
  • remember that preventive measures may not always work: don’t blame yourself if aggression does occur, but concentrate on handling it as calmly as possible.