Stealing:

From a parent:

"I have a child who steals constantly. She is 9 and this behavior has gone on from the moment we got her at 4. She has a RAD and FASD diagnosis. How can I stop this behavior?"

There may be a lot of reasons a child steals---is it an impulse behavior? Do they lack the understanding of ownership? Is this primal/survival? Are they punishing someone? It is really important to try to understand the reason for the behavior, and that will help you decide on your course of action. If you think the child is trying to get more attention, and giving them more attention has not decreased the behavior, then there is something else in play that you need to consider.

No matter the reason, we as parents have to think of good strategies to help solve the problem.

Here are some strategies offered by other parents.

Age 0-5

It’s good to remember that under the age of 6, it is common for children to steal. The concept of property is still taking hold. This is the time to make the stealing a teachable moment and teach the child about property in an age appropriate manner.

For little ones who really have trouble picking things up:

Sew pockets shut for kids who impulsively pick things up and steal (purposely or not).

Have the child wear bulky mittens in the store, or, in the summer, have the child carry a basket which will require both hands. Maybe they could carry a stuffed animal or favorite toy into stores to keep them occupied.

Buy clothing that does not have pockets.

Age 6-12

Here are more ideas that have worked for parents

Therapy can help, especially if the child has a background of abuse and neglect. Are they stealing and hoarding food? This is so different from stealing a toy from the neighbor’s house, and it requires more professional help.

Make restitution whenever possible. If the child steals money from you, require it to be paid back in chores. But, for crying out loud, don’t set up a kid by leaving money lying around all over the house. Modify your environment to help the child be successful.

Don’t bother to ask the child why, unless that child has amazing insight and no disabilities. Reinforce that the behavior is not OK, and issue an appropriate consequence. Move on. Adding in emotional baggage of shame will not help in the long run.

I had one child that would steal things and place them in her shoes to leave the house with later. We placed one of those shoe racks that you put the shoes on the prongs in the entryway and required its use by everyone. It was a sneaky way to cut down on that problem.

I am not beyond doing a pocket check on children when lots of things disappear in the house. I make sure I check everyone's pockets so the offender doesn't feel as singled out.

We ask other kids not to bring items into our house, or to check them with the parent in charge. That way, if the boy has a video game in his pocket, we know it is one of ours. It also helps to mark your belongings, but the kids don’t like to do this with video games because they trade so many.

We also lock up the irresistible items, and some of our children have lock boxes to lock up their most treasured things. Of course if you give them lock boxes, the parents better keep a key also because kids lose keys a lot, and we wouldn't want them to use their boxes to hide something that they've stolen themselves. We also don't allow our children to enter anyone else's bedroom without our permission.

We've had some success with creative consequences. One consequence is if one of our children steals from one of their siblings, they need to pay "rent" for using the object that they stole by allowing the sibling they stole from to "rent" the toy of their choice from the offender for what we feel is a fair time. This has worked especially well for one of our children. She does not like someone else playing with her things.

If we have a child that is going through a chronic stealing spree, we remove all but a few treasured items from their room so it is easier to find stolen items hidden in their rooms. If they let up on the stealing, they get everything back.

These consequences seem to help them think first and to realize that they have a choice whether to steal or not. We also reduce any consequences when a child admits they stole something and they giveit back without us having to search for it.

I know one child that was attracted to shiny things. He would steal from jewelry boxes and any silvery gadget that he came across. It was more of an impulsive and compulsive act, because when you asked him for it, he would run and get the item. The mom gave the boy a trinket box and told him to store all of his things in it. So, when they couldn’t find something, they would check the trinket box and he was not consequenced.

As far as singling a child out for a search, this takes wisdom. We had one therapist tell us that if 80 percent of the time, it is a particular child that stole, then their choice to steal those times, justifies the 20 percent of the time when they are searched but they weren't the one that stole. I'm not sure that I agree totally with this, but I don't think that it's fair to a child that never steals to be continually searched because their sibling steals. Having their room searched is a consequence of their choice to steal. We try to explain to them the issue of trust, which I know is a very hard concept for some of our children to understand.

If a child steals from another home or store, they lose the privilege of going to that home or store for months.

If an item is stolen from a store, and the child is under 12, I bring the child back to the store and we return the item and apologize. I do not take a child over 12, unless my intent is to give the child a juveline record and a very harsh consequence (juvenile detention).

Age 13 to adult

From Parents:

Is this Peer Influenced? Does the child have a drug problem? Is there a need not being met? Is the child’s disability the main reason for this behavior?

Put on that parenting detective hat and try to figure out what is going on behind this behavior. Stealing over the age of 13 is a jailable offense and the general public has no compassion for this behavior, even if the child is disabled. Seek professional help.

If the child is developmentally delayed, you can try some of the techniques for younger children. A child with a normal IQ will not tolerate it though.

We have had one steal many video games from our home. Although he denies it constantly, the evidence pointed to him. We made him work off the games with chores, while still allowing him to say he was innocent.

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