The Nurtured Heart Approach is based on the concept that intense children are seeking the emotional energy of
the adults in their lives. If you take a trip inside the brain of the ADHD or Oppositional Defiant child, you see
numerous fast-firing neurons producing a hunger for activity, intensity, and speed. When adults interact with a
child who is misbehaving, the usual response is emotional intensity in the form of a raised voice, big gestures,
and wide eyes. This emotional intensity creates a "match" inside the child’s active brain, inadvertently rewarding
the undesired behavior.
In Psychology 101 we learn from study after study that when behavior is rewarded,
it is repeated. If we want to see intense children repeat desired behaviors, we need to reward them with intensity
that will "match" the activity in their brains. The Nurtured Heart Approach teaches adults to add the necessary
intensity to the positives, in order to truly create the reward. As anyone who has ever parented or taught a
challenging child will tell you, "Thank you" and "Good job" only go so far in helping these kids learn desired
behaviors, such as speaking politely, not talking back, and cooperating with routine. They require an extra level
of intensity for the child to "get" the feeling of reward that needs to follow the desired action. Tina teaches
adults how to add intensity to the positives, so that it truly downloads as a success in the child's heart.
The positive statements gain effectiveness when they include more intense emotion, and are delivered in a
"When you'll feel because" format. Here are some examples of language to use that add intensity to the positives:
- When you picked up the toys just then I felt so proud of you. I can see you are really cooperating!
- When you spoke in your indoor voice, I was so happy because you were acting like a big kid you are amazing me today!
- When you didn't fight with Alex on the playground, I was really impressed because it shows what a good listener you are.
You made my day!
- When you asked so nicely for more juice, I just loved that. Your manners are something else!
Research from Heartmath Institute has shown that the actual heart muscle responds physiologically to
emotional input. The nature of the heartbeat changes with "downloads" of success and heartfelt appreciation.
The research has also revealed that the heart has its own neurological system that sends messages to the brain.
So if we continually give positive input to the heart, we teach it a new lesson: I am successful, I can please
these adults, I can do the right thing! When we take the opportunity to give heartfelt appreciation to the child
multiple times each day, we strengthen the heart-to-brain message of success, rewarding the behavior we want,
and increasing its frequency. This all sounds a bit technical, but when one thinks about it, we are dealing
with physiological responses of anger, rebellion, and even rage. It makes sense that the solution is a need
for a new physiological response.
So what if the child doesn’t have enough positive behavior to reward on a given day? How do we give multiple
downloads of success to the very intense child who seems bent on destruction and defiance? We create Time In,
in the form of recognizing and acknowledging successes where they didn't exist before, by giving our heartfelt
appreciation when the rules are not being broken. Here are the steps:
- Create a list of rules with the children's input. When they have had an opportunity to be involved with the rule-making, buy-in is
increased and defiance is decreased. Use the rules children give you whenever possible, and be sure they
understand that the adults can add rules as necessary, even on the spot, in the event of an unexpected infraction.
- Make the rules start with "no." Children with challenging behaviors need clarity, as they frequently have an
associated auditory processing deficit that keeps the message from being interpreted in the brain correctly.
(These children have normal hearing, but the way the sounds are processed stored, interpreted and retrieved
is often not the same as in typical children. This is why we often find ourselves repeating requests to them
over and over.) Rules such as "no running away", "no talking back", "no biting", "no hitting", and "no throwing
things" are easier for intense children to grasp and obey.
- Whenever a rule is not broken, become a ruthless opportunist in responding with heartfelt appreciation.
"I noticed that you came into the classroom so nicely today no running, no swearing, and no pushing.
You are the star!" Children with behavior problems often do not know how to interpret their own experiences.
Adults need to teach values directly by putting words to the successes.
- If you are concerned that the feedback you give to the child will automatically produce the unwanted behavior,
which is typical of some preschoolers, you may want to save your one-on-one feedback for a later time, such as
during the next transition. It would look like this: "Its time to get our coats on and go outside. I noticed how
you came into the classroom so beautifully today, and I cant wait to see you do that again. It just made my day
I am so happy to see you so happy." (This last part is the emotional component that adds intensity to your response,
creating a "match" in the child’s heart-brain.)
More hints:
- Get there first! If you have a troublesome situation in your child care setting or preschool that has evolved
repeatedly, stop it before it starts by redirecting the child and showing heartfelt appreciation for good
behavior right before the usual infraction has a chance to take place. Just before Sarah, who has had trouble
with hitting people in line every day for the past week, is fully in the line, you can lean down to her and say,
"I notice that you are joining the line so nicely today, Sarah. I cant tell you how wonderful it is to see that.
Can you help me with snack when you get back inside? "
- Rewarding behavior with "grown up tasks" goes a long way toward winning the cooperation of the challenging
child. In the example above, the teacher adds the anticipation of success and trust in the child’s ability to
help with snack to the heartfelt appreciation of positive behavior.
- When a rule is broken, time
out is the only consequence. Time out takes place in the presence of the adult, not outside the setting.
Time out doesn’t start until the child is calm in the time-out chair, so the child is in charge of when it starts
and when it ends. Time out is never punitive. There is no warning, no reiteration of the rule, and no negotiation.
Time out is predictable in that every single time the child steps over the line on breaking a rule, Timeout is given.
The language is, "Oops, broke a rule. Time out." Any extra words at this time are energy given to unwanted behavior,
and are actually rewards. Avoid them at every opportunity.