Lying; Why & What To Do About It.
If you have never told a lie, please quit reading this article now! If you are still reading, chances are you are like most people and have periodically told “little white lies”. Most of us view being honest as a goal to shoot for, but we have probably been guilty of spinning the truth or omitting certain parts of the whole story. However, it seems that some youth, especially youth that have suffered from maltreatment, take lying to an extreme. So what are some of the purposes of lying for youth that have been maltreated and what can we do about it?
The following purposes of lying for youth that have been maltreated are drawn from my own, and other’s, practice experiences and literature research on the topic of maltreatment.
Children lie out of a sense of fear
Many youth that have been abused, live their lives in fear of how adults might react to them. They are experts at “reading” situations and trying to predict if they might upset adults or others that could potentially harm them. They often develop a protective defense system that may over react to you, as a foster parent. This predictive defense is especially activated when the foster youth sees you as angry, frustrated or when they “predict” you might become upset. Behaviorists refer to this as punishment-avoidance. Often, foster parents don’t realize the child is reacting in this manner, they just conclude the child is lying, seemingly without reason.
How to support change with a youth that lies out of fear.
As with all placements, it is important to learn as much as possible about the youth before you begin fostering. If you learn the child has a history of maltreatment and lies out of fear, be patient as this will not change quickly. Become aware of your voice tone and physical presence. Attempt to model using your personal characteristics in a manner that models safety and problem solving. Attempt to teach the child that negotiation, compromise and listening all precede accusing.
Children lie because it has become a pattern of behavior.
Some people refer to lying that has become a pattern of behavior as pathological lying. In these types of situations, lying has often been modeled by adults so the child learns lying as a way to meet their needs in multiple situations. In simple terms, lying has been presented to the child as normal. And since lying has been presented as normal, and has worked for the child, it will not change easily. Usually foster parents will pick-up if lying is a pattern. It’s baffling to foster parents because it seems that the child will lie about things where there is no reason to lie.
How to support change with a youth that has a pattern of lying:
If a youth has lying as a pattern of behavior, it is important to see this as a treatment issue for the child in the home. A model for responding to this type of lying can be a consistent combination of teaching honesty, allowing for a change from a dishonest response to an honest response, and applying consequences when necessary. To illustrate this through an example, let’s assume “Johnny” has told you an obvious lie. You might want to state “Johnny, I don’t think that’s true, why don’t you try again?” A follow-up statement could be: “You know we don’t consequence for telling the truth.” Remember the boundary for this type of approach is that the lying won’t be consequenced if the truth is told, but the behavior behind the lie may need to be consequenced based on the severity of the behavior.
Lying as a way to feel important.
Children will often lie as a way to make themselves feel important. This often takes the form of exaggerating accomplishments and/or experiences. In a paradoxical way, there is a purpose to this type of lying that is positive. It often is a way for the youth to try and receive attention from the foster parent and to be recognized as important and worthwhile. Additionally, a twist on this type of lying is that a youth may lie over seemingly insignificant issues in order to “save face”. Unfortunately they have not learned, nor internalized, that we all make mistakes and they will not be harshly judged as a result. This type of lying is often present in youth that experience low self esteem.
How to support change with a youth that lies as a way to feel important.
Often this type of lying will lessen, or extinguish, with increased maturity and confidence. If the child you are caring for displays this type of lying, try and eliminate their need to do so. Place significant attention on building their self esteem, in a consistent, targeted way. Make it a point to recognize the youth’s real accomplishments with interest. Talk with them about how mistakes and successes are the mixture of life. Amplify their strengths.
Lying as a way to exploit others.
Hopefully you will not see this type of lying often and we should be careful about over diagnosing this type of lying. Lying to exploit has as its purpose victimizing others that are vulnerable for personal gain. A central theme is having power over others and controlling them through the threat of intimidation and/or harm. Some of the causes of this type of lying include a history with caregivers that were abusive, exploitative, unreliable and unresponsive. It is generally seen in combination with other anti-social behaviors.
How to respond, and to attempt to create change, with a youth that lies to exploit.
Generally the response to exploitative lying should be very direct, clear and focusing on holding the youth responsible for the lying. If the lying includes activity that is illegal, legal consequences should be applied. If you are fostering a youth with this type of lying, it is important that you work closely with other helping professionals in order to avoid being drawn into manipulative maneuvering.